So, I thought it only prudent and fair that as a person who documents the joining of two people in holy matrimony, that I disclose some information to my soon-to-become-married brides. I love my husband dearly, and next year is our 10th Wedding Anniversary, though we have officially been together for a little over 16 years. In those years of dating and then subsequent marriage, I have learned a few things. And here they are, in no particular order:
After you tie the knot, some men lose the ability to do or remember certain things. Drinking beer is not one of them, unfortunately.
Their LEGS – Do Not argue about who will get up and sweep the dirt out of the bedcovers. Even though your child, who plays in a sandpit apparently at preschool, gets into the bed with his socks on and you are totally unaware of this until your husband lays on his side of the bed in the sand – it was your responsibility to get up and sweep the dirt off from your side of the bed. He will insist on sweeping the sand over to YOUR side of the bed until you are forced to stand up and then sweep it off onto your side of the floor, allowing you to fall back asleep and then later have to vacuum the mess. If you argue, he will tell you it was your fault because you should have known. This is where you begin to develop ESP.
Their HANDS: Do Not argue about why the front door was left unlocked all night with your kids sleeping near the front of the house. Once it is brought to his attention that he did not lock the door back the day before, it has now become an issue that you, as the wife, should have made sure that everything was locked at the end of the night. He will insist that it was your responsibility to use that newly surfaced ESP and should one of the kids go missing, well, shame on you. And no, it does not matter that he is the only one who uses the front door to get in and out of the house.
Their MINDS: Now, this will throw you for a loop. He can somehow remember the day that his favorite Quarterback threw the game-winning pigskin into the End Zone, what the weather was like and how many feet the receiver had inside the lines, HOWEVER, ask him if he remembers stating that he was going to check your daughter’s homework before bedtime and he will snap you right back into reality with, “Huh? I never said that.” Repeat ANYTHING he said, and he will deny it, unless you have recorded proof.
Their CHILD-REARING ABILITIES: We all know that women are the nurturers, but times have changed and more men in households with children are taking on child rearing responsibilities. Or at least that is what they want us to believe. If you are late coming home one night, DO NOT expect your hubby to have fed and bathed the children. If a cigar or beer is present, that takes precedence over the kids running amok in the house. Somewhere during this moment is probably where you talked about the homework (see: Their MINDS above). They will wait for you to come home before the food is thought of, talked about or made. If he is determined to eat out, it is perfectly fine for your school-aged children to wait until 9pm before finishing dinner at your local pub. Do not expect him to help get the kids to bed either, he has worked all day and all he can think about is hitting the sack. That’s full of sand.
Good luck ladies! (edited to state – this is all very tongue in cheek. it was a hilarious inspiration from my own wonderful hubby and a crazy 24 hours that I invented this post!)
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
